Caffiene: THE BEST OF THE WORST!!!

My previous blog showed the best five places to drink coffee in the Kankabourbaley area. This went with the winner being Denny's, followed by Moon Monkey and Groucho's, with Steak and Shake and Ruby Tuesday's rounding off the list.
But what fun would this be if I didn't explain the WORST? So know for your warning and viewing pleasure I give to you the worst five places to get coffee in Kthrilla.

5: Say I need coffee in a hurry and it's early morning... and I've lost all faith in taste in general... I would swing through the drive-thru at... you guessed it... McDonalds. Someone needs to tell those morons that it's not one teaspoon coffee to one cup water. It's thin, it's nasty... kinda like my ex girlfriend. And like her, I would rather chew on a thornbush than put her anywhere near my lips again. Bada ba ba... I'm pukin it.

4: Fast food usually means bad things. Like, double-chins, love-handles, coffee that tastes like pee, or in Wendy's case, thick, groundy pee. Unlike McDonalds, Wendy uses one teaspoon of water to one cup coffee. When I ordered it, I felt half-tempted to go back and ask for a fork. This stuff is so thick you can knock off a liqour store by throwing it through the window. The only strong aspect of it is that if you are testing your gag reflex, grab a cup. I'm recommending it for a safer solution to ipacac.

3: VIPs fine dining over on Kinzie has some exceptional food for the price. The sandwiches are excellent, there breakfasts are top notch... and there coffee is somewhere between goat piss and Castrol Syntec. The density is thin, and the taste stays in your mouth. Like herpes. I'm writing this on Friday, 9/19, and I at lunch earlier here. AND I STILL TASTE THE COFFEE. But the kick in the nuts is that is has NO strength whatsoever. None. I got a better buzz of the water. Because I'm sorry, people who drink coffee for the flavor are like people who drink beer for the flavor. It's pointless. It's bitter, it's weak... it's great aunt Ruth.

2: Define irony: A restaurant that specializes in breakfast food has coffee you give to people on death row out of shere sympathy. Flavor: where?, Texture: Watery, Strength: Have I mentioned Aunt Ruth? They make it seem so lovely by giving you your own pot to refill your cup, but that becomes a pain in the ass when they give you a cup the size of a shot glass. Where you ask? IHOP. The International House of Pancakes. It's overpriced, disgusting, and a general waste of beans. I highly suggest one of there fine Coke products because coffee is definately a waste of time and money unless you are having trouble peeing. Did I mention is goes through you worse than Bud Light? If you need a cup of jo, I suggest you HOP somewhere else, but NOT DOWN THE STREET TO.....

NUMBER 1: The worst of the worst... the Nick Carter to the Backstreet Boys... the Joe to the Three Stooges... Applebees. The thing that puts them over the top is that absolute contrast in everythig else. They have decent food, great liqour prices, awesome specials, and great service. BUT THERE COFFEE IS SENT FROM HELL!!!! There are always grounds in it (the spoon aspect) it's thin and bitter (Aunt Ruth), and it tastes like absolute dog shit. I swear they filter it through a diaper. I'm being mean. But I MEAN EVERY WORD!!!! The coffee is just plain bad. I wouldn't recommend it to someone trying to be poisoned. It would be too quick.

And there you have it. My rants and raves over the Worst places to get coffee. My last two were so bad I think I'm going to start a support group.