Caffiene: THE BEST OF THE WORST!!!

My previous blog showed the best five places to drink coffee in the Kankabourbaley area. This went with the winner being Denny's, followed by Moon Monkey and Groucho's, with Steak and Shake and Ruby Tuesday's rounding off the list.
But what fun would this be if I didn't explain the WORST? So know for your warning and viewing pleasure I give to you the worst five places to get coffee in Kthrilla.

5: Say I need coffee in a hurry and it's early morning... and I've lost all faith in taste in general... I would swing through the drive-thru at... you guessed it... McDonalds. Someone needs to tell those morons that it's not one teaspoon coffee to one cup water. It's thin, it's nasty... kinda like my ex girlfriend. And like her, I would rather chew on a thornbush than put her anywhere near my lips again. Bada ba ba... I'm pukin it.

4: Fast food usually means bad things. Like, double-chins, love-handles, coffee that tastes like pee, or in Wendy's case, thick, groundy pee. Unlike McDonalds, Wendy uses one teaspoon of water to one cup coffee. When I ordered it, I felt half-tempted to go back and ask for a fork. This stuff is so thick you can knock off a liqour store by throwing it through the window. The only strong aspect of it is that if you are testing your gag reflex, grab a cup. I'm recommending it for a safer solution to ipacac.

3: VIPs fine dining over on Kinzie has some exceptional food for the price. The sandwiches are excellent, there breakfasts are top notch... and there coffee is somewhere between goat piss and Castrol Syntec. The density is thin, and the taste stays in your mouth. Like herpes. I'm writing this on Friday, 9/19, and I at lunch earlier here. AND I STILL TASTE THE COFFEE. But the kick in the nuts is that is has NO strength whatsoever. None. I got a better buzz of the water. Because I'm sorry, people who drink coffee for the flavor are like people who drink beer for the flavor. It's pointless. It's bitter, it's weak... it's great aunt Ruth.

2: Define irony: A restaurant that specializes in breakfast food has coffee you give to people on death row out of shere sympathy. Flavor: where?, Texture: Watery, Strength: Have I mentioned Aunt Ruth? They make it seem so lovely by giving you your own pot to refill your cup, but that becomes a pain in the ass when they give you a cup the size of a shot glass. Where you ask? IHOP. The International House of Pancakes. It's overpriced, disgusting, and a general waste of beans. I highly suggest one of there fine Coke products because coffee is definately a waste of time and money unless you are having trouble peeing. Did I mention is goes through you worse than Bud Light? If you need a cup of jo, I suggest you HOP somewhere else, but NOT DOWN THE STREET TO.....

NUMBER 1: The worst of the worst... the Nick Carter to the Backstreet Boys... the Joe to the Three Stooges... Applebees. The thing that puts them over the top is that absolute contrast in everythig else. They have decent food, great liqour prices, awesome specials, and great service. BUT THERE COFFEE IS SENT FROM HELL!!!! There are always grounds in it (the spoon aspect) it's thin and bitter (Aunt Ruth), and it tastes like absolute dog shit. I swear they filter it through a diaper. I'm being mean. But I MEAN EVERY WORD!!!! The coffee is just plain bad. I wouldn't recommend it to someone trying to be poisoned. It would be too quick.

And there you have it. My rants and raves over the Worst places to get coffee. My last two were so bad I think I'm going to start a support group.

Caffiene: Anti-Zombie potion.

I may not know a lot of things about culinary expertise, but if there's one thing I do know about, it's coffee. Sweet, wonderful coffee. The aroma's, the flavors, the way it gives you an excuse to work that morning... it's beautiful.
Coffee originates as far back as the 9th century Ethiopia where shepherds found there sheep eating the coffee beans and having imaculate amounts of energy afterwards. It has been used everywhere from religious ceremonies to political meetings, and even was banned in some countries for it's effect. Probably the fact people went pee every half hour.
So I am hear to show my people of the Kankakee River Valley the coffee hot spots in the area. Plus, I'm also hear to tell you about the places where it would be wiser to drink out the toilet then to drink their's. So here goes.

THE TOP 5 PLACES IN THE RIVER VALLEY FOR SOME JO!

5: Their commercials are pretty nifty showing you how they bring a two inch piece of cheesecake out on a plate three feet long, and how their best known for a really expensive version of the slider, but what people don't know is that RUBY TUESDAY'S is my number five pick for the best coffee in Kankabourbaley. Besides the fact you get a fairly decent size mug, the notch it gets is from it's texture. It just perfectly quenches but you don't have to chew it. As well, the flavor is just right giving it a nice density, making it a good buy if it's too early for a beer. Which is rare.

4: There french fries are like spaghetti noodles, there atmosphere is way too pre-modern, and I FREAKIN HATE GLASS KETCHUP BOTTLES!!! But number four on my list has to go to the little white hut out there on Armour known as Steak'N'Shake. There house blend has a flavor that can simply be described at fantastic. The compacity is a little thick, but flavor-wise this takes the bacon. Plus it's usually served piping hot which is always a good thing.

3: I think this place has been a different business every year for the past ten, so by the time you read this it may be something different. Over on Schuyler, kiddie corner from the theater, is a little place called Groucho's. I would serioulsy hope this place would make my list being the fact it's a coffee shop. The flavors are very pure and strong which makes it a great coffee for Binge Caffieners like myself. Not to mention, they serve it in a caup so big you're basically drinking out of a bathtub. So for service, taste, strength, and venue, Groucho's is number three with a bullet.

2: BUT, every coffee shop needs a rival, and Moon Monkey Coffee Co. in Bourbonnais is hands down the better of the baristas. With the selection of flavors, you can tell the difference between each and every one of them. The densities are always perfect and the way it feels on the way down is exceptional. Plus, you also drink out of bathtubs here too, which gives it more bang for the buck. Not too mention you get to drink it in a pretty cool place which mentally makes you think it tastes better. I'm serious. It has been stated that atmosphere effects all sense which includes taste. Ever try drinking coffee on the toilet? It's just not the same.

NUMBER 1: And now, the upset. The decision that will make everybody go, "what? Is he drunk?". The best coffee in the Kankabourbaley metropolitan area, with best knowledge to my ability and tastbuds is...(drumroll)... Dennys. The taste, aroma, price, and overall quaility make it exceptional. For only 1.48 a cup with free re-fills, it is the best bang for your buck pretty much anywhere. My friends and I have drunken it till the wee hours of the morning without ever wanting anything else besides. Who would have thunk? Huh? Denny's. The place where the food is a good excuse to call off of work the next day has coffee worth eating for.

I may not be an expert on this... but well... I am. I have had a lot of coffee in my day, and my top five are worth every drop. So give these fine places business because they deserve it with fine ground up legumes like warming up your soul.